Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, June 9, 2021
Note: Okay, after Monday and Tuesday I believe in global warming again. Please proceed, Ms. Thunberg.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til the 2021 Netroots Nation convention hybrid—at home and in D.C.: 120
Number of Americans now covered through the Affordable Care Act: 31 million
Number of new Obamacare signups over the last year: 4 million
Amount the Biden administration has requested for new annual Justice Department spending to address “emerging domestic terrorism threats”: $100 million
Years California‘s assault weapons ban was in place before a federal judge struck it down, comparing the weapons of mass destruction to a Swiss Army Knife: 32
Age of David Dushman, the last surviving Allied soldier involved in the liberation of Auschwitz, when he died Saturday: 98
Date on which Dushman flattened the fence around Auschwitz with his Russian T-34 tank: 1/27/45
Mid-week Rapture Index: 186 (including 3 tribulation temples and 1 End Times-obsessed city HR director). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
Puppy Pic of the Day: New report says puppies are born ready to interact with us…
CHEERS to POTUS in flight. As Vice President Harris continues going back and forth with Lester Holt over her disturbing lack of omnipresence, President Biden straps on Jetpack One and rockets over to Europe for a few days of grip ‘n grins, formal din-dins, and hopefully lots of win-wins. Here’s his full itinerary. A few highlights:
» Be greeted as a liberator at summits hosted by the G-7, NATO, and European Union as he reboots “America’s commitment to restoring our alliances, revitalizing the transatlantic relationship, and working in close cooperation with our allies.”
» Meet with mad Turkish President Erdoğan, who will be strapped to a dolly on an airport tarmac like Hannibal Lecter.
» Apologize to Queen Elizabeth for the shocking behavior of his predecessor.
» If there’s time, go zip-lining with Boris Johnson.
» Inform Russian President Vladimir Putin that, while they’ve been speaking, his bank account has been drained by our Deep State ransomware nerds, and all his nuke silos are now filled with pudding.
If we all behave while he’s gone, he’s promised to bring us all back a special snow globe from the Europe gift shop. When you shake it, all the Trumps end up in a single cell at The Hague.
CHEERS to fiery distractions. I don’t want to oversell this, because much of the country won’t see it, but whoa, mama, it’s a solar eclipse!!! It starts tomorrow morning, and it’s basically an at-sunrise event. And it’s only a partial eclipse. And with Canada‘s border closed, you’ll have to watch it here. And if you don’t live on the east coast or upper Midwest, you’re screwed. But still, c’mon…it’s a solar eclipse!!!
The path of annularity begins along the northernmost shoreline of Lake Superior, where lucky skywatchers with clear skies will see the rising sun morph from an upturned horseshoe with pointed tips into a “ring of fire” for about3.5 minutes.
Because the eclipse track passes mostly over the boreal forests of the Canadian Shield and Canadian Arctic tundra, probably the best places to seethe eclipse will be in Northwest Ontario.
Unfortunately, for those living to the south and west of a line running roughly from Edmonton, Alberta, to Des Moines, Iowa, down through Savannah, Georgia, the clipse will end before sunrise, so most of the southern and western United States will miss out on seeing the solar show. Places just to the north of this line will see a small scallop or bite taken out of the bottom part of the sun as it rises. The farther to the north and east one goes, the larger the bite will appear as the sun emerges into view.
CAUTION! Even a partial solar eclipse is dangerous to look at, so never look directly at it. To save your retinas, follow these instructions: have a neighbor look directly at it and draw a sketch of the eclipse for you before their retinas burn out. And before you start peppering me with the #1 question I know is on your mind: yes, it is customary to tip them afterward.
CHEERS to that shining city on a hill surrounded by gaseous swampland. 228 years ago today, in 1793, Congress—back when it was functional—voted to make Washington, D.C. the official replacement for Philadelphia as the nation’s capital. Today the beltway politicians, lobbyists and pundits have so sullied the name of the place, and besmirched the memory of the person for whom it’s named (Ronald Reagan Washington, the Texas School Board history textbooks tell me), that we really should think about moving it again. I offer up my usual candidates: Goober Hill, LA…Devil’s Den, CA…Cuckoo, VA…Crooks, SD…Rattlesnake Bend, FL…Mayday, GA…Oil Springs, KY…Petroleum, MT…Crappo, MD…Hell, MI…Money, MS…Loco, OK…and Idiotville, OR. Completely out of the question, however: moving it to any town named Normal.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to the June 7 Miracle. As the country descends down a rabbit hole of looming dictatorship and despair, a ragtag ring of rural ruffians rebelled…and won!!! Even more amazing: the guy who signed it into law will shock you:
Universal mail-in voting is now a permanent feature of Vermont’s general elections, under legislation…signed Monday. Now, local officials will be required to mail ballots to all registered voters in the weeks leading up to the November general elections, as they did in fall 2020.
The state decided to automatically send ballots to voters before last year’s election to prevent the spread of Covid-19 at the polls. But after the change helped drive record voter turnout in November, lawmakers moved to make it permanent.
While announcing he had signed the legislation, S.15, Monday afternoon, [the governor] said he would like to see the policy expanded to local elections, party primaries and school budget votes. “I’m signing this bill because I believe making sure voting is easy and accessible, and increasing voter participation is important.”
That governor: Phil Scott. A Republican. Don’t get up…I’ll fetch the smelling salts.
CHEERS to proud moments in American history. One day, years from now, you’ll be bouncing your grandchild on your knee. And that sweet little cherub will turn to you and say, “Why is June 9th a holiday?” And you’ll look down into those sweet innocent eyes, pinch those pink puffy cheeks, and say, “That was the day in 2006 when Tom DeLay went to work in Congress for the very last time. And then you’ll go into the kitchen for ice cream and Oreos. Because that’s the kind of awesome grandparent you are.
Ten years ago in C&J: June 9, 2011
OOOH!!! and AHHH!!! to floating on a Cloud. Apple made its BIG announcement yesterday, and it was delivered by none other than Steve Jobs himself. I have no fricking clue what he’s talking about, but whatever it is I GOTTA HAVE IT NOW!!! I think:
The biggest change Apple revealed was its iCloud strategy, which replaces its MobileMe subscription service, which was plagued by inconsistency. The new iCloud service is free, and it automatically synchs document, photo, music and book applications across multiple devices. Users who buy books on one device or computer, for example, will automatically have access to those same books on their iPhone, or iPad.
Meh. Sounds boring. (“Santa, I want a service that automatically synchs document, photo, music and book applications across multiple devices that I sign into with my identification information! Please can I have one????” “No way, kid—you’ll synch yer eye out.”) Meanwhile, this morning I’m officially announcing my own technological discovery, which was achieved on Sunday afternoon at the CVS Pharmacy across the street: I now have my very own cell phone. There were a bunch of models to choose from, but I ended up going with the LG320G. It had me at “Built-in Drunk-Dial Feature.”
And just one more…
CHEERS to a reminder that we’re not crazy, he is. Just gonna leave these here for when Joe Manchin comes along to read C&J this morning, because apparently he’s not spending much time talking to his constituents back home:
I repeat: we’re not crazy. He is.
Have a happy humpday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial
“Cheers and Jeers makes us happier, healthier and humbler.”