3. Pizzeria owner representing herself as an “Ambassador of Christ” who says she’s above the law busted by six acquaintances and currently under complete control of the law.
4. 16 filthy, noisy, nut-stealing blue jays standing on each other’s shoulders under a raincoat wielding a baseball bat, rolled up after the FBI received a tip from a heroic nest of squirrels who want no reward or fame, but simply the knowledge that they’ve done some good in this crazy world.
5. Dude in hoodie and backward baseball cap turned in by friend who saw footage of him on MSNBC.
6. Dude in flannel shirt and forward baseball cap ratted out by another guy who stormed the Capitol with him.
7. Florida cop and ex-cop son (who struck a Capitol police officer) identified by a fellow police officer.
8. Dude in business suit and Trump hat who used bear spray on Capitol officers tipped off by reddit user.
9. Dude in tactical riot gear pretending to be a reporter busted by tipster after seeing a livestream on Twitch, during which the dude flat-out says he’s not a reporter and adds: “Mission accomplished, we broke into the Capitol.”
10. Tom Hanks turned in by George Clooney and Whoopi Goldberg.
11. Florida phys-ed teacher and self-described “Son of Lord Jesus Christ” turned in by acquaintance who saw his posts on the conservative Twitter-like platform called Parler.
Answers: All of them really happened except #4. (But we’re not ruling that out as a future possibility.) Our thanks to Joe Jervis at the Joe.My.God. blog for keeping track of how the idiotest of the idiots are getting rolled up.
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, July 20, 2021
Note: The National Emergency Ant Preservation Service has issued an Evil Children Walking Around With Magnifying Glasses Warning. Federal and local authorities urge you to stay in your hill until the threat passes—sometime around September, we guess. Please keep your antennae tuned to the NEAPS for further updates and a variety of light conga classics. Thank you. —Atom
By the Numbers:
Days ’til National Cheesecake Day: 10
Days ’til Barack Obama’s 60th birthday: 15
Approximate number of individuals who are producing 65% of anti-vaccine misinformation on social media platforms, according to the White House: 12
Share of American adults 18+ who are fully vaccinated, per the CDC: 59.2%
Number of family members Surgeon General Vivek Murthy says he has lost to Covid-19: 10
Amount allocated for major immigration changes in the Democrats’ $3.5 trillion budget, per NBC News: $120 billion
Average used car price in the U.S., up 28% since June of 2019 and an all-time record: $26,500
Puppy Pic of the Day: Warm blanket…
CHEERS to Billionaires In Space II: The Sequel. If all goes according to plan, the founder of Amazon.com will climb into a giant shopping cart in Texas and launch himself into space. Of course, it doesn’t really matter who he is, because he already got scooped by the founder of The Virgin Group last week and, really, who has the brain capacity to remember the second guy? But anyway, he’s taking off this morning with his brother, plus an 18-year-old stand-in for a rich dude who had to bail. Oh, and 82-year-old Wally Funk, who will actually generate some amazeballs sentiment when she finally gets her chance to defy gravity:
Funk’s pathway to the stars was not an easy one. In the 1960s, while America‘s first astronauts were going through NASA’s rigorous training, Funk was part of the Mercury 13, a group of 13 women who went through the same uncompromising exams. “We had no idea what we were going through. We didn’t know where it was taking us,” Funk said.
The women of Mercury 13 met — and often surpassed — the results of the men. She said despite all the struggle, she knew she would become an astronaut and go to space. But the women would never get their chance. NASA required astronauts to be military test pilots, and the military at the time didn’t allow women to fly.
“I’m going. That is my quest. … I love flying, that’s my job, that’s what I love. And I’m not a quitter,” Funk said.
Assuming the weather cooperates, liftoff is at 9am ET and the livestreaming is already underway here. As with all space flights originating from Texas, an attempt will be made to lure human toxic waste dump Ted Cruz into the cargo hold with a trail of pork rinds and tonsil cheese so he can be disposed of in an environmentally-responsible way. If it works, everybody at EPA gets free doughnuts.
CHEERS to giant leaps for humankind. Speaking of space, 52 years ago today, at 10:56 pm eastern time, John Kennedy’s vision to put a man on the Moon by decade’s end was realized when Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin became the first humans to set foot on a heavenly body not named Earth—the landmarkiest of landmark human events that I (along with a microscopically-small percentage of all humans who have or will ever inhabit this planet, which makes us pretty damn lucky) got to witness with my own 5-year-old eyes. It almost turned tragic when they nearly landed inside a boulder-strewn crater, but quick-thinking Armstrong switched the controls to manual and guided the module to a flatter surface. And then…magic:
See amazing high-res pics here. For your enjoyment of the anniversary, this morning the C&J cafeteria is servin’ up as much Tang as your tummy can hold:
True fact: in space, nobody can hear you belch.
CHEERS to cleanup time. Nice item we noticed in yesterday’s Good News Roundup: with fires and droughts and murder hornets ravaging the land, it’s nice to see that there might be a chance to at least perk things up in the water down Virginny-way, where seagrass restoration is cleaning things up with unexpected efficiency:
Over the last 20 years, supported by an army of volunteers, the project team has sown nearly 75 million seeds. Around 9,000 acres of coastal bays are now blanketed with eelgrass, which has improved water quality, increased marine biodiversity and helped mitigate climate change by capturing and storing carbon.
The project is “game changing,” says Carlos Duarte, a seagrass expert and marine science professor at King Abdullah University of Science and Technology in Saudi Arabia, both in its sheer scale and the raftof long-term data it provides on the climate benefits of seagrass. […]
Despite covering less than 0.2 percent of the ocean, [eelgrass] is responsible for about 10 percent of the ocean’s ability to store carbon. It provides a vital habitat for marine life, boosts commercial fishing, helps purify water, protects coastlines and even traps and stores microplastics.
Wow. Eelgrass can clean up the slimiest, scummiest, oxygen-deprived crud on the planet and make things better? Quick—someone airdrop a few tons of seeds into the ventilator shaft at Fox News.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
JEERS to today’s edition of Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Slow Down! What’s the Rush? Courtesy of NBC News:
The Biden administration has transferred its first detainee out of Guantánamo Bay … The Department of Defense announced the transfer of Abdul Latif Nasir to his native Morocco in a statement early Monday. In2016, under then-President Barack Obama, a review board determined that Nasir’s detention was no longer necessary to protect against “a continuing significant threat” to the national security of the United States.
He was captured after fighting U.S. forces [in Afghanistan] and sent to Guantánamo in May 2002, it added.
This has been today’s edition of Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Slow Down! What’s the Rush?
CHEERS to purty rhymin’ wurds. During this week back in 1893, Katherine Lee Bates—a college-educated, latte-slurping Cape Cod liberal elitist—wrote the poem America the Beautiful after visiting an inspiring spot:
One day some of the other teachers and I decided to go on a trip to 14,000-foot Pikes Peak. We hired a prairie wagon. Near the top we had to leave the wagon and go the rest of the way on mules. I was very tired.
But when I saw the view, I felt great joy. All the wonder of America seemed displayed there, with the sea-like expanse.
It was later set to the hymn “Materna” by Samuel Ward. But only because Snoop Dogg wanted ten million bucks for the rights to “We Just Wanna Party with You.”
Ten years ago in C&J: July 20, 2011
CHEERS to little housecleaning chores. I know what you’re saying to yourself: “Hey, Bill! Have any Cardinals stepped down lately as a result of the priest-abuse scandal?” Why, that is so amazing—Yes! Yes indeed! And the loser is…
Cardinal Justin Rigali…The change comes five months after a Philadelphia grand jury report accused the archdiocese of failing to investigate claims of sexual abuse by priests against children. But Rigali stressed during the news conference that his resignation had nothing to do with the scandal.
Might’ve been more convincing if his fingers weren’t crossed behind his back. His successor’s wink-wink didn’t help, either.
And just one more…
CHEERS to the master of suspense. One year ago I vowed to keep you regularly apprised of the progress on one of former President Donald J. Trump’s signature promises. Yes, last July 16th he vowed that he was going to ride through all the towns in all of the Unites States of Americas and give presents to all the good little peasants. Reported AP writer Jill Colvin at the time:
Trump says he’ll be announcing “many exciting things” over the next 8 weeks, “things that nobody has even contemplated, thought about, thought possible,” with “levels of detail and levels of thought that a lot of people believed very strongly we didn’t have in this country.”
Yes, yes, yes, we realize that it’s been a lot more than eight weeks. But, to be fair, it takes a long time to plan an exciting thing, let alone “many” of them. So while we continue to wait for the ex-president to unveil his un-contemplatable things of great detail, C&J will continue opening each morning’s little door on our Many Exciting Things Advent Calendar to see what un-contemplatable goodie he’s left inside for us. I plucked out the morsel for Day 368, and all I can say is, don’t eat it. It’s not chocolate.
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial
“Because Bill in Portland Maine is a nice guy, I’m going to try to be a nice guy today and give Cheers and Jeers a C. In the end, C&J comes off as this big, loud, overlong mess of a blog post.”